Monday, November 2, 2009


I met up with a good friend from highschool who put up with the immature me back in the days
she tried to really chill me out many times as i was a overcontrolling perfectionist back in highschool
i finally met up with her after not seeing or talking to her for a couple of months and we had lunch, went mogok, and had shabu shabu
while we were relaxing she was telling me how her brother feels lost, he has no parents or a home to go back to (parents both deceased)
he is a smart boy but due to life circumstances, he ended up going to community college and then dropping out and joing the marines hoping that he finds some sort of solace and feeling of family in the marines
she goes on to say...i wonder how things would have been if things werent the way they were meaning (if both her parents had survived, how would things have been....)
as i looked into her eyes, i can see so much sadness in her eyes and sort of giving up on life a little
life is hard on her as well
she had to get a scholarship for medschool through the army and has to work at a army base for four years
yes the army paid for her education in exchange of 4 years of work, she also has huge loan debt to pay off
it did appear she was happier living on the east coast than the west coast
here, no one knows her story that much except for me
she is in a different environment from LA, weather changes, new friends who dont know her past as well and from the outside looks as if they are all on teh same level struggling through med school with debt and she got her own apt and own car to drive around and be independent
she was saying how she loves the east coast more than the west although she plans to return but not just now or the near future
maybe in her 30s or 40s but not now or near
she looks as if she wants some things but cant get because of her situation
i look at her and there are times when i feel sad for her and want to cry
i usually dont feel this way to anyone because i dont really care about others too much (not really worth my time or effort) but with her, i guess she was there with me during highschool when i really needed to vent and cry and she stood by me letting me cry and vent and once in a while cracking a joke here and there
i guess i know she is nicest girl one can ever find or ask for a friend
she never judges
instead she just gives u that smile that comforts u somehow knowing that things arent as bad as i make them to be
when she asked the what if question it reminded me how i used to ask that every single day crying and feeling angry and bitter and wanting to give up on life because things werent going the way i wanted my life to go
i sometimes wonder if i used that as an excuse for my failures in life and laziness of not accomplishing anything
i sometimes wonder would i even be here if mommy was alive? what would i be doing now? maybe i would have ended up a dr?
jeannie was cracking a joke about that how i was all about being a dr in highschool did everything to prove i was on teh pre med track and i ended up not doing it ditching medicine all together
instead i stopped working hard and using brain and went after looks and craved attention from guys
i thought about it
i guess i wanted to feel accepted and loved and taken care of by a boy
was it worth it?
i dont know not even sure now
the thing i realized is u cant let these incidents get to you or it will ruin you
i have to take it be the reins when things are still ok as now i still have dad to get some moolah off of and take control of my life
i really have to learn to be more selfish

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